A perceptive person would have heard a lot of depression in my last post. Indeed, if you followed the blog during the bike trip itself you'd know quite well that I suffered from depression early on. That depression continued to worsen throughout the trip, even when I thought I was feeling better, right on through Christmas six months later. My father suggests that I was suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder, which isn't a far-fetched idea. After all, I was chased by a hungry hyena (or coyote) and spent long, lonely days on my bike reflecting on human trafficking only to return to what we call real life to find that hardly anyone cared about my trip or the reason for the trip.
Misery loves company. And my misery invited in the company of more misery for myself. For six months it seemed that every passing day gave me more reason to be depressed. It seemed, too, that I couldn't spend long around other people or noise of any kind before feeling absolutely exhausted. Silence and time alone were the only things that brought any kind of stability to my emotional and spiritual state. Of course, spending lots of time alone when depressed isn't exactly healthy either, so I was caught in a vicious cycle.
Neal, a friend of mine, spent even longer on his bicycle one summer, and he was entirely by himself, not having a driver along with him as I did. After hearing my presentation on my bike trip he said to me that the time of incubation of sorts that I had spoken of might last longer than I had thought because he was still reflecting on his trip more than a year later. Now here I am a year later and finding that he is right. I may not be depressed anymore but my bike trip is actually on my mind more than ever before. Changes in my personality, little sparks of memory, and transformed approaches to life all seem to still pop up unannounced in my life.
Really, the trip cut much deeper into my very being than I ever thought it would. The Fund for Theological Education gave me a grant hoping that I'd do a project that would be personally beneficial, that would help me grow into a better leader for the church with a stronger ability to reflect on and in myself and others. Quite seriously I think that they got their money's worth with me.
Why does any of this matter? Well, I will start talking more directly about slavery again with my next post, but I continue to think it very important for all of us to realize how influential and life-changing our decisions to address social issues can be. We shouldn't simply think, "Oh, I think I'll do this or that to fight human trafficking" without putting in some serious prayer, meditation, or whatever form of thought we take part in. As soon as we engage our heart and mind, really and truly, with a life mission we will find that we cannot ever be the same person. There is no turning back. In many ways this is a good thing. I have much more confidence in my ability to commit, to fight through hardships, and to find creative solutions to seemingly insurmountable obstacles; I also am now far less quick to judge others and first empathize with all sorts of people and actions, seeing similarities in my own behavior, and am much more calm, kind, and generous in all my interactions with people, rarely using demeaning sarcasm even as a friendly joke anymore; among other new character traits. All of these things are positive and am thankful that the bike trip and reflections on the bike trip have fostered them. Still, I wish I had known that the bike trip would be more than a couple of months on the road.
In the end, my hope is that we can all first learn that life is not all about occupational success and instead devote our lives to some mission or purpose that will bring us and others great joy. Inner joy and contentment, if anything, should be our main goals; goals that are easiest to accomplish when we bring others along for the ride with us. I also hope that we can give more thought to the acts of kindness that we perform because how we engage the world around us will not only say a lot about us but will also change us. Nor should we engage our mission thinking that the world rests on our shoulders. That will lead to depression, and we are seeking joy for ourselves and others.
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